Well, Ive had my heart broken. Again. This time, I dare say, it feels like the end of the world, because it pretty much is. I know I’m not alone in this when I say that there is a lot of physical pain that goes along with being absolutely broken hearted. In fact there is even a condition called “Broken Heart Syndrome”. I know about this because guess what, I have it.
My symptoms have been mild in comparison to a lot of people, although to me they still feel debilitating. I have chest pains, trouble sleeping, panic attacks, uncontrollable crying fits, suicidal thoughts. And not because I hate him, but because I hate myself.
The fact is that this isn’t my first time. I’ve had my heart hurt before.But, I had never met anyone like him. I have never loved anyone the way I love him. He also has a son I am absolutely in love with as well, and I was convinced and still am to some extent, that this is the man I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.
For nearly two years, he and I and our children had been sharing a home, and the responsibilities that come with having a family. He told me often that he wanted to marry me, and that he loved me. We played, laughed, supported each other. We had a great home life. Or so I thought. The floor literally fell out from underneath me about a month ago when I proposed to him, and he turned me down. I can’t even tell you how much that hurt. But I loved him so much that even so I resolved to stay with him. Because as important to me as marriage is, being with him meant more. So, if I had to settle for that I would gladly. But, two weeks later something else happened, the details of which I will not speak about because its no ones business. (those who need to know, do), and a few days later, he left our home.
We resolved that we would remain in the relationship and spend time together with the children. We spoke on the phone, we didn’t fight. But when the time came for him to come visit with his son, he really wasn’t present. I felt it. He didn’t want to be there. So that Sunday, it happened. I sat down and asked him for his honesty. He told me he wanted to break things off. He wasn’t in love with me anymore.
That right there. That was the exact moment my heart died. Because I am still completely in love with him and likely will be for the rest of my life. But a lot of what I’m feeling emotionally has to not only do with the crippling pain of losing him, but also that my entire life now has to change.
The last two years have been the closest I have ever come to my happy ever after. I had everything I ever wanted. 4 kids, a home, a man I couldn’t stand to be more than 3 feet away from, a new family that I loved to pieces, a dog.. I was happy. And financially, being able to count and depend on someone was nice as Id been doing everything alone for so long. Trusting someone is general, was new concept for me. I can honestly say that I never trusted anyone. I was consistently let down by people, men in particular, so I had gotten used to doing everything alone, because then I couldn’t be let down. More over, after the relationships I had, trusting someone to not hurt me or my children was especially difficult. It took a lot of work on my end to take those walls down and let someone in so completely. And when I did, I was rewarded by this connection with this man who is quite literally the half of me that I didn’t know had been missing. Which is why this break up, is absolutely killing me. I have never hurt this bad in my entire life. And all of this coming from a man who swore would never hurt me.
Now, I’m getting messages from friends and family either bashing him, or telling me to turn to Jesus. And so Im going to address both of those right now.
1) Don’t bash him. This whole thing is messed right up, and yes I am absolutely devastated and can barely catch my breath. But he is not a bad person. The things I loved I about him, that everyone loved about him are still present. Chopping him down makes me feel worse because I will defend him to you. He is still important to me, to my children. And I love him still. So shut the fuck up.
2) Jesus doesn’t give a shit. Ok? Listen, if you had been through the shit I’ve been through in my life, IF YOU KNEW what I have endured in my life, you would realize that either God isn’t real or he honestly does not give a shit about me. Either way I’m not praying to him for SHIT.
Because of all of this I have to get another job, which may mean I have to rehome my dog because I wont be able to take her to work with me, I can’t leave her at home and I can’t afford to pay for doggy day care.
I have to let me kids live with their dad full time so I can move into a much smaller place, because honestly I cannot afford this house on my own, and I wont find a place of comparable size that costs less or allows pets
I have to let some stranger rent out the room I built for step son, and that is the new, fresh hell quite frankly.
So you tell me what God has done for me lately except to prove to me that he doesn’t care. Keep your religious motivational shit to yourself.
Right now, I’m dealing the best I can. I’m trying to keep busy, I’m trying to keep myself composed when I’m at work. I changed my relationship status on facebook like 6 times from relationship, to nothing, to single to complicated back to nothing… all because I have no idea what I’m doing. In my heart I’m not single. I don’t want anyone else, even after all of this. But I also know he’s not coming back, and the best I will get is a friend, which I gladly accept, because Id rather have this than nothing at all. I see my shrink, I take calls from the public health nurse, I take my meds. I do my daily promise “I will live through today. I will not harm myself or others today” and I do that every fucking morning…. every fucking morning. And then every night, I cry myself to sleep and hope that this is the night my heart stops beating so it doesn’t hurt anymore. Then the next day I do the same thing, and that’s my life.
I have gotten lots of advice about how to deal with everything and it is good advice and I now it has a lot of truth in it and I know that this will all improve over time. I even know that if he’s meant to be mine he will come back. And if he’s not, I will find someone else because sometimes you have you have to tear shit down to build something better. I know all of this. And I know that when all the hurt blows over, he and I will be best friends. But for right now, I’m broken. I’m dying inside. I’m morning the death of a dream I had, the loss of a child I loved, the destruction of the last part of me that gave a shit.
For those of you reading, worried about my safety, my children are keeping me alive. As long as they live and breathe, so will I.