This weekend was a big blur.
On Good Friday, I hit the end of my rope. I got to a point where I said to me ex I was done. My exact words were “I’m going to leave you alone” to which he responded that I didn’t have to. But the truth is, I did. Every time I thought he’d call, Id sit and my heart would beat so hard it hurt. Id wait for it. And then it wouldn’t happen. Or he’d say he was going to come over and something stupid like a movie on TV distracted him to the point where he forgot that he said he would come over. Where the old him, the him I fell for, would have hoofed it to my house during a commercial and watched the rest with me. Seeing him was like being roundhouse kicked in the heart because every part of me wanted to hold him. This was torture. Wanted to hear him say he missed me, and that he loved me… fishing for it and not getting what I needed… painful.
So on Friday after I told him I would leave him alone, he came over to pick up my dog and I made plans. I needed to get out of the house. something unexpected happened.
I left the house feeling worthless, unloved, forgotten, discarded and completely unimportant. Leaving the house had a lot more to do with saving my own life than anything else. I left before he arrived at the house so I wouldn’t have to see him.
I went to a friends house and hung out until the wee hours, drinking fabulous wine, and I felt the switch go off. I was laughing. I went several hours without crying. Then I went home, crawled into bed, and I slept. I didn’t dream about him. I didn’t fall asleep on a wet pillow. I didn’t wake up with my eyes swollen and red.
That day a friend came down for a day. She and I spent the whole day just having fun and talking. I went the whole day not checking my phone to see if he texted. I didn’t cry, the whole day. And when we left the house to go to our play, I didn’t come home rushing to see if there was a little blinking light on my answering machine.
The following day, my friend left and I waiting for him to bring my dog back. When he did I was asleep. He came in and put his hand on my back. I didn’t break. He tried to make plans with me in a weird not committal half assed way and I rejected him. He tried to hug me, I couldn’t even put my arms around him. I could barely look at him in his face. In fact I’m not sure I did the whole time he was there. I knew that if I did, everything that I had not purged out over my tearless weekend would instantly come out. So I just.. didn’t. He left, I said thank you and goodbye.
I went out again last night and hung out with a friend, took my dog with me. Sat and watched a movie, cuddled a little boy who fell asleep on my chest.
Went home crawled into bed and slept. I slept.
Since this happened, he would text me good morning, and this weekend, today included, he didn’t text me anything.
Its not that I’ve given up on him. Or even that I wouldn’t take him back. Because I would. Its just that I’m done doing the work. I’m done being the one who makes an effort. If he misses me, if he wants to see me, if he loves me there is a myriad of ways he can let me know. Email, texts, phone, facebook, twitter… he just needs to pick one. If he actually wants to take me out, he just need to ask me and actually make the effort to not just remember but to be PRESENT. Trying to figure out my work schedule when its been the same for the last year so you can ask me out in a non committal way by saying “I probably wont have to money to do it anyway but I thought about checking out Captain America”… no thanks. I deserve better than that. (FYI: if you ask a girl out by inserting a reason why you might have to cancel on her, don’t even bother. Because what will happen is what always happens. She’ll wait for you to actually follow through and you will either cancel at the last minute or show up saying you cant do what you said, either way she feels let down.)
What I took away from this weekend is how completely important my friends need to be right now. So far, I’ve dealt with this whole thing by myself. Not really talking to anyone. This has quite literally been the worst thing I have ever been through, and my friends have been really respectful of my need to deal with this is the best way I can. I’m going to spend the next several weeks to months just pulling myself back. Dealing with my life and seeing what happens. If he comes back, it will be because he wants to be there. He made the effort. He’s been trying to come back. It wont be because I begged, or because I texted and called and wrote. He knows I love him. If he comes back it will be because he loves me. If he doesn’t, then I’m already on my way to getting a new life started without him.
I think I might be okay.