I tell my friends I love them. In fact as an adult, having lost friends unexpectedly, I have come to the realization that telling someone that you love them is so incredibly important to do while they are alive. You may not have another chance, and they may need to hear it.
So, I’ve been seeing this amazing guy now for 2 months. We talked for 2 months prior to our first date. He pursued me relentlessly and asked me out about 6 times before I finally agreed to meet with him. He was a nice enough guy, but having had my heart splattered all over the pavement, I was reluctant to date anyone.
This guys has had much of the same experiences I have. We have been lied to, cheated on, used. He’s the nice guy you hear legends about but never find, and I’m the nice girl that guys friend zone. That we found each other at all, it’s staggering. At any rate. Things with us are going very well. And we have spent almost every day together. Which in normal Carole world, that’s a bad thing, but not so much this time. He makes me laugh, he laughs at me… it’s nice. He’s not the jealous kind, he has no problem with me hanging out with my best friend who is a guy, although he was worried about my ex. (Because I had been in love with him), he was worried that when he came to my house to pick up the last of his stuff, that we would get back together. It really bothered him, because he was worried that Id choose my ex over him (which FYI I never would). Anyway, we’ve had tiny little issues come up along the way which is bound to happen when you see so much of someone, and always we have been able to take care of it and talk things out. He’s beyond kind and sweet and generous and truly I love spending time with him.
So here’s what happened. I’ve been scared to get attached to anyone. So I’ve done a very good job of keeping myself in check and pulling it back whenever I felt myself getting “fuzzy”. But about a week ago, I was getting off the phone with him and I said “Love you” before I hung up. I didn’t even realize it came out of my mouth. He called me on it later. Talk about awkward! Because truth be known, when thinking about it I thought “well, I tell my friends I love them all the time, it’s reflex kinda”. So that’s what that was. I told him I “wasn’t there yet”. He said “Carole, I’m not in love with you”. This was evidently an awkward conversation for both of us.
But then last week was pretty horrible. My hours at work were cut down, my car hit the skids… It was just a rough week. And yesterday he got paid, and he took my car to be fixed. It wasn’t cheap. He paid, he shouldn’t have. He says he wants to help and he’s been trying to sneak the kids away to take them back to school shopping for clothes to help me out. I’m so touched by how generous he is, and that he genuinely just wants to do these things for me, it moves me. So yesterday he calls and tells me that he will be headed over to my place after work with my car, that he misses me and I could call him if I missed him, that my car was getting fixed and that he’d be home to me soon. (we don’t live together). I was so overwhelmed by how incredibly kind he is that I caught myself almost saying it to him again. I was on the “L” and immediately went to “thank you”, so it was all like “I L-Thank you baby”… laaaaaaaaaammmeee….
Please someone tell me what in the actual fuck I’m supposed to do now. When I catch myself wanting to say it, I mean it. I do. But I’m just so scared of getting ground into paste again that I routinely shut down and push this amazing guy away by being aloof and junk, and he doesn’t deserve that. I can’t help but think that if I were to just be honest about how I feel, that I would free myself to be me around him all the time and I wouldn’t inadvertently hurt him, but being honest about that also means opening myself up to be hurt, and the possibility that he doesn’t feel the same about me. Also being honest about how I feel opens me up to feel all of it, and that scares me beyond belief.
My magic 8 ball said “ask again later”. HELP ME.