and then I felt better….

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This weekend was a big blur.

On Good Friday, I hit the end of my rope. I got to a  point where I said to me ex I was done. My exact words were “I’m going to leave you alone” to which he responded that I didn’t have to. But the truth is, I did. Every time I thought he’d call, Id sit and my heart would beat so hard it hurt. Id wait for it. And then it wouldn’t happen. Or he’d say he was going to come over and something stupid like a movie on TV distracted him to the point where he forgot that he said he would come over. Where the old him, the him I fell for, would have hoofed it to my house during a  commercial and watched the rest with me. Seeing him was like being roundhouse kicked in the heart because every part of me wanted to hold him. This was torture. Wanted to hear him say he missed me, and that he loved me… fishing for it and not getting what I needed… painful.

So on Friday after I told him I would leave him alone, he came over to pick up my dog and I made plans. I needed to get out of the house. something unexpected happened.

I left the house feeling worthless, unloved, forgotten, discarded and completely unimportant. Leaving the house had a lot more to do with saving my own life than anything else. I left before he arrived at the house so I wouldn’t have to see him.

I went to a friends house and hung out until the wee hours, drinking fabulous wine, and I felt the switch go off. I was laughing. I went several hours without crying. Then I went home, crawled into bed, and I slept. I didn’t dream about him. I didn’t fall asleep on a wet pillow. I didn’t wake up with my eyes swollen and red.

That day a friend came down for a  day. She and I spent the whole day just having fun and talking. I went the whole day not checking my phone to see if he texted. I didn’t cry, the whole day. And when we left the house to go to our play, I didn’t come home rushing to see if there was a little blinking light on my answering machine.

The following day, my friend left and I waiting for him to bring my dog back. When he did I was asleep. He came in and put his hand on my back. I didn’t break. He tried to make plans with me in a weird not committal half assed way and I rejected him. He tried to hug me, I couldn’t even put my arms around him. I could barely look at him in his face. In fact I’m not sure I did the whole time he was there. I knew that if I did, everything that I had not purged out over my tearless weekend would instantly come out. So I just.. didn’t. He left, I said thank you and goodbye.

I went out again last night and hung out with a friend, took my dog with me. Sat and watched a movie, cuddled a little boy who fell asleep on my chest.

Went home crawled into bed and slept. I slept.

Since this happened, he would text me good morning, and this weekend, today included, he didn’t text me anything.

Its not that I’ve given up on him. Or even that I wouldn’t take him back. Because I would. Its just that I’m done doing the work. I’m done being the one who makes an effort. If he misses me, if he wants to see me, if he loves me there is a myriad of ways he can let me know. Email, texts, phone, facebook, twitter… he just needs to pick one. If he actually wants to take me out, he just need to ask me and actually make the effort to not just remember but to be PRESENT. Trying to figure out my work schedule when its been the same for the last year so you can ask me out in a non committal way by saying “I probably wont have to money to do it anyway but I thought about checking out Captain America”… no thanks. I deserve better than that. (FYI: if you ask a girl out by inserting a reason why you might have to cancel on her, don’t even bother. Because what will happen is what always happens. She’ll wait for you to actually follow through and you will either cancel at the last minute or show up saying you cant do what you said, either way she feels let down.)

What I took away from this weekend is how completely important my friends need to be right now. So far, I’ve dealt with this whole thing by myself. Not really talking to anyone. This has quite literally been the worst thing I have ever been through, and my friends have been really respectful of my need to deal with this is the best way I can. I’m going to spend the next several weeks to months just pulling myself back. Dealing with my life and seeing what happens. If he comes back, it will be because he wants to be there. He made the effort. He’s been trying to come back. It wont be because I begged, or because I texted and called and wrote. He knows I love him. If he comes back it will be because he loves me. If he doesn’t, then I’m already on my way to getting a new life started without him.

I think I might be okay.

 

Watch how fast I go….

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My problem in my life is that I have had the misfortune of being surrounded by people who have pretended to care about me. Pretended to care about my wellbeing, my heart, my best interests. People who have claimed that they respect me, while all the while treating me shoddily. And truly that is my fault.

It was always though. As a child when my life was continuously disrupted and on occasion endangered, that wasn’t my fault. I was innocent and I didn’t have the tools to understand what was really happening,

As a teen when unthinkable things happened to me, I still was not equipped to deal with things. While I understood the severity of some of the occurrences, I dealt with them in an immature, ineffective manner, because truly, I didn’t know better.

But as an adult, I have no excuse. I repeat patterns because they are familiar. My life has been so chaotic and difficult at times that I have become a people pleaser. I have a fix the world complex. And I do that because I somehow feel that by being essential to someone else, I somehow make myself more valuable.

Yesterday after leaving work, and hitting the gym, I went to my shrink appointment. And I have entered the phase of my recovery cleverly called “anger”. What they should call it is “Epiphany”

I am not angry at him. I am not angry at anyone else. I am angry at myself. Because really, if you are running a business and you keep hiring jackoffs, what do you do? You fire them and you fix your screening process. Hire better people. Not me. Nope. I hire people who come in making promises and letting me down and instead of putting them on notice , I blame my own damn self and be all like “oh shit my bad, I’m not training you well enough”. Fuck you. no really, fuck you.

Those who want to be in my life, and I mean REALLY want to be in my life and the lives of my children will be. They will prove they deserve to be there by their actions. They will make the effort to talk to ME, they will make the effort to see ME. I’m done chasing after people who give little to no shits about me. You give me an inch, I will give you a fucking mile, but you have to take that initiative.

Here’s what you need to know about me. I am fiercely loyal. I love unconditionally. I am family oriented. I work HARD. I am honest, faithful, dependable, compassionate, intelligent, generous with my time, money, attention and affection, funny and above all I am a GOOD PERSON! If that is not good enough for you, or you feel the need to walk away from that then go ahead. you don’t deserve me. But in your absence, if you decide you were wrong and you want to come back, honestly I’d probably take you back into my life because I am the queen of second chances. But I won’t ask you to come back. If you left, you need to be the one to tell me you want to be here. I deserve that.

You need me to chase after you so you feel special? Watch how fast I go.

Id rather be alone then to be treated like shit by anyone.

Hurts like a bitch. Dont it.

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Well, Ive had my heart broken. Again. This time, I dare say, it feels like the end of the world, because it pretty much is. I know I’m not alone in this when I say that there is a lot of physical pain that goes along with being absolutely broken hearted. In fact there is even a condition called “Broken Heart Syndrome”. I know about this because guess what, I have it.

My symptoms have been mild in comparison to a lot of people, although to me they still feel debilitating. I have chest pains, trouble sleeping, panic attacks, uncontrollable crying fits, suicidal thoughts. And not because I hate him, but because I hate myself.

The fact is that this isn’t my first time. I’ve had my heart hurt before.But, I had never met anyone like him. I have never loved anyone the way I love him. He also has a  son I am absolutely in love with as well, and I was convinced and still am to some extent, that this is the man I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.

For nearly two years, he and I and our children had been sharing a home, and the responsibilities that come with having a family. He told me often that he wanted to marry me, and that he loved me. We played, laughed, supported each other. We had a great home life. Or so I thought. The floor literally fell out from underneath me about a month ago when I proposed to him, and he turned me down. I can’t even tell you how much that hurt. But I loved him so much that even so I resolved to stay with him. Because as important to me as marriage is, being with him meant more. So, if I had to settle for that I would gladly. But, two weeks later something else happened, the details of which I will not speak about because its no ones business. (those who need to know, do), and a few days later, he left our home.

We resolved that we would remain in the relationship and spend time together with the children. We spoke on the phone, we didn’t fight. But when the time came for him to come visit with his son, he really wasn’t present. I felt it. He didn’t want to be there. So that Sunday, it happened. I sat down and asked him for his honesty. He told me he wanted to break things off. He wasn’t in love with me anymore.

That right there. That was the exact moment my heart died. Because I am still completely in love with him and likely will be for the rest of my life. But a lot of what I’m feeling emotionally has to not only do with the crippling pain of losing him, but also that my entire life now has to change.

The last two years have been the closest I have ever come to my happy ever after. I had everything I ever wanted. 4 kids, a home, a man I couldn’t stand to be more than 3 feet away from, a new family that I loved to pieces, a dog.. I was happy. And financially, being able to count and depend on someone was nice as Id been doing everything alone for so long. Trusting someone is general, was new concept for me. I can honestly say that I never trusted anyone. I was consistently let down by people, men in particular, so I had gotten used to doing everything alone, because then I couldn’t be let down. More over, after the relationships I had, trusting someone to not hurt me or my children was especially difficult. It took a lot of work on my end to take those walls down and let someone in so completely. And when I did, I was rewarded by this connection with this man who is quite literally the half of me that I didn’t know had been missing. Which is why this break up, is absolutely killing me. I have never hurt this bad in my entire life. And all of this coming from a man who swore would never hurt me.

Now, I’m getting messages from friends and family either bashing him, or telling me to turn to Jesus. And so Im going to address both of those right now.

1) Don’t bash him. This whole thing is messed right up, and yes I am absolutely devastated and can barely catch my breath. But he is not a bad person. The things I loved I about him, that everyone loved about him are still present. Chopping him down makes me feel worse because I will defend him to you. He is still important to me, to my children. And I love him still. So shut the fuck up.

2) Jesus doesn’t give a shit. Ok? Listen, if you had been through the shit I’ve been through in my life, IF YOU KNEW what I have endured in my life, you would realize that either God isn’t real or he honestly does not give a shit about me. Either way I’m not praying to him for SHIT.

Because of all of this I have to get another job, which may mean I have to rehome my dog because I wont be able to take her to work with me, I can’t leave her at home and I can’t afford to pay for doggy day care.

OR

I have to let me kids live with their dad full time so I can move into a much smaller place, because honestly I cannot afford this house on my own, and I wont find a place of comparable size that costs less or allows pets

OR

I have to let some stranger rent out the room I built for step son, and that is the new, fresh hell quite frankly.

So you tell me what God has done for me lately except to prove to me that he doesn’t care. Keep your religious motivational shit to yourself.

Right now, I’m dealing the best I can. I’m trying to keep busy, I’m trying to keep myself composed when I’m at work. I changed my relationship status on facebook like 6 times from  relationship, to nothing, to single to complicated back to nothing… all because I have no idea what I’m doing. In my heart I’m not single. I don’t want anyone else, even after all of this. But I also know he’s not coming back, and the best I will get is a friend, which I gladly accept, because Id rather have this than nothing at all. I see my shrink, I take calls from the public health nurse, I take my meds. I do my daily promise “I will live through today. I will not harm myself or others today” and I do that every fucking morning…. every fucking morning. And then every night, I cry myself to sleep and hope that this is the night my heart stops beating so it doesn’t hurt anymore. Then the next day I do the same thing, and that’s my life.

I have gotten lots of advice about how to deal with everything and it is good advice and I now it has a lot of truth in it and I know that this will all improve over time. I even know that if he’s meant to be mine he will come back. And if he’s not, I will find someone else because sometimes you have you have to tear shit down to build something better. I know all of this.  And I know that when all the hurt blows over, he and I will be best friends. But for right now, I’m broken. I’m dying inside. I’m morning the death of a dream I had, the loss of a child I loved, the destruction of the last part of me that gave  a shit.

For those of you reading, worried about my safety, my children are keeping me alive. As long as they live and breathe, so will I.

 

That smile

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When someone passes away, I typically send cards or flowers or baskets. But my aunt Solange wanted none of that. She was adamant that her passing should be as worry free as possible. In fact, years ago when a discussion came up about how people have needs for closure when loved ones die, and how a funeral may be necessary for those she loved, she took matters into her own hands. My grandmother’s house had a massive record player which was housed in a wooden chest which was large enough to have an adult lie upon in. All items were cleared off the top, plants were brought in and she lay there pretending to be dead so a picture could be taken. Somewhere that picture still exists. That’s the type of straight forward woman she was, and I think that I have learned a lot of my character traits from her, including my dark sense of humor.

She knew what was important to her in life and the top of that list was her family. I spent a lot of time staying with her and Uncle Ira when I was a child. Every summer more or less, several Christmases, multiple road trips, since I was a baby. She had a hand in raising me. She was a no nonsense type of woman who had no problem telling people what she thought. She was kind and generous with her time, and she had a heart that was capable of so much love.

I have many great memories of her, and given that she did not want anyone to send things when she passed, I thought the best way to honor her and what she meant to me would be to share some of my favorite memories of her.

When I was about 3 I wanted to be a doctor. I was determined. And that Christmas, my aunt Solange got me a doctors kit complete with a stethoscope, glasses and reflex hammers. She lay on the floor in my grandmother’s living room and was my patient for what I imagine was an extended period of time. In the picture I have, you can see how serious I was about medicine, but if you look at her face, you see this soft smile.

One summer, I was at her home in Ottawa, and everyone was in the down stairs den. There was a candle on the counter and I thought it would look prettier on the kitchen table. So I picked it up and moved it. But it was heavier than I thought and the candle tipped, spilling candle wax on my arm. I remember her running up and picking me up. She put an ice gel pack on my arm and wrapped it in like, 4 bandages. Because, with each bandage I got quieter. Then we sat in the rocking chair and watched cartoons until I fell asleep. I woke up and the bandage was gone, as was all the dried wax. There is also a picture of that, and in it you see that same soft smile.

Now, I wasn’t a perfect child. In fact I’m told at one time I had tried to run away, packing nothing but my Barbie case and walking down the street. I don’t remember doing this, but seeing as it sounds like something I would do, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it happened. But regardless of what mischief I got into, I could count of eventually getting one of those smiles that let me know that she was watching me grow up.

As an adult, I took my two sons with me on a trip to Ottawa. Nick was 8 months old and he slept in a playpen next to my bed in what used to be Jen’s room. I woke up every morning and that kid was GONE! I’d come out of the bedroom and he’d already be in the kitchen eating breakfast with Uncle Ira who made him giggle like no body’s business, and tante Solange was having intense conversations with Jacob about Teletubies.

In my life, I had the privilege of having my life influenced by some of the world’s strongest women. And among then were my grandmother and my aunt Solange. I saw in them committed, married women who loved their husbands and children, who did anything they could for their family. I saw them defend those who needed defending, encourage those who needed picking up, and correcting those who needed a swift kick in the ass. The reason I am who I am, and the reason I want what I want in my life is due in large part to who they were.

Those who knew my aunt will remember her as a kind and funny woman, who spent little or no effort on bullshit. They remember her as being loyal, and dedicated and courteous. I know I am not alone in saying that she will be missed.

I last spoke to my aunt on Christmas week, in was a short conversation, but in it I managed to tell her that I missed her and wished I could go down for Christmas, and I that I loved her. She said it back and Merry Christmas, and I hung up when I heard her getting winded and tired.

Part of me knew I wouldn’t be speaking to her again, and yet the news of her passing, although anticipated, hit me like a Mac truck. I suppose we are never really ready. But I take comfort in knowing that right down, she is with my grandfather, my grandmother, may aunt Charlotte and my uncle Blackie. And I also know that if she saw me crying like a maniac, she’d say something like “Oh for Gawdsakes! Cut it out!” But what I know most is that she loved us the way we loved her.

The Water in Lethbridge

 1)The water smells and tastes like Chlorine because there is Chlorine in it. The plant here uses it to kill micro organisms in the water and has for years. The fact that the water in our taps smells like chlorine is an indication that is it is treated. Want to know for sure? Boil it. Fact: Chlorinated water will smell increasingingly like Chlorine as it evaporates.

 2) Chlorine reacts with decaying plant matter such as leaves and mulch and even algae and creates by products called trihalomethanes, which include Chloroform. Plant matter tends to increase in the spring and summer months as run off sweeps matter into the river. (Its entirely possible that we have this state of emergency is due to an increase in THM in the water, which is why we shouldn’t drink it)

 While we cannot control the amount of plant matter in the water, The City of Lethbridge- City Hall should have taken greater care into planning.

The fact is that we live in an area where massive unexpected dumps of snow, followed by Chinooks and rapid snow melts are not only common, they are expected. Given our snow fall this year, the amount of water going into the river could have been anticipated.

 The fact that there was much more water in the river during last years flood and no issues with the conversation of water were present at that time, that we find ourselves in the predicament now suggests that the issue is the treatment plant and not the “turbidity of the water” or snow melt as previously suggested.

 If the issue is the plant, why were we not informed of these issues in advance? Why was the state of emergency a last minute thing? Perhaps in a city that increases in size and residents’ every year, we might reconsider building a leisure center and pour that money into building a bigger and more efficient treatment plant to meet with the increasing demand for potable water in Lethbridge.

Oil Pulling?

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Ok so I originally saw this on Dr Oz, I think. I was flipping through channels on my day off and I landed on this segment about it. Now he seems like a nice enough guy, but I’m not a fan of the show, so I quickly wrote off what I had seen and moved on to the nearest cartoon.

It wasn’t until weeks later that I saw people tweeting about it that I became curious. Other than the occasional “this feels gross”, no one really had anything bad to say about it so I decided to look into it. The internet is littered with posts about it. Each claiming pretty much the same thing. Better breath, white teeth, healthier gums. But some also had things listed like less acne and eczema, help with sinusitis (which I have a lot of), better hair, less headaches…that kind of thing. A couple of friends tried it and one said it helped with her TMJ, another said she had less arthritic pain. So I decided Id try it. If it didn’t work I could use the oil for cooking or for my hands.

I found a large jar or unrefined raw organic coconut oil at Safeway for $10. All the sites I found said it was best to use unrefined. I tried it right away.

The oil itself looks alot like wax in the jar. But if you put some on your hand it quickly melts clear. I tried this in my mouth as well. I put a bit on my tongue and it melted clear. Didn’t taste horrible, so I decided to go big or go home. I did a tea spoon for 20 minutes. It tastes like raw coconut. It melted right away into a watery oil and I swished. When I spit it out into a cup, the first thing I saw was that it wasn’t clear anymore. It looked like milk. Did that really come out of my mouth? Ugh. After discarding the stuff in the trash (don’t put in your sink because it will mess up your pipes), I took a good look at my mouth. I immediately say that gums looked better and my mouth felt pretty okay. I brushed. I repeated it at bed time. Same thing. This morning I did it again. My teeth are whiter. My gums are pink, and this morning when I woke up my nose didn’t hurt.

Something else I noticed was that in the morning, I typically wake up feeling a  tad bit nauseated. That usually persists until I have coffee or sugar in me. But not this morning. In fact when I woke up this morning I felt great, like really great. My skin wasn’t terribly dry and itchy through the night which it usually is.

Now, I cant say if I’m going to see improvements in my arthritis, which I have in my neck and back, or if I’m going to see long term benefits in my sinuses or in my skin (which by the way looked darn right dewey this morning) What I am going to say is that I’m definitely going to keep doing it based on what I’ve seen so far.

If you don’t like coconut or if you have an allergy, you can use different oils, but they need to be unrefined, raw and organic is better because it seems to be a lot purer. I’ve read of people using Safflower and flavoring it with peppermint oil, or parsley. You can also use avocado, nut (such as almond, walnut, sesame or peanut) but all in all I gotta say I like the coconut. And there really wouldn’t be a reason not to add peppermint to coconut, I imagine it would taste a lot like a  mojito without the lime. (although Adding lime probably wouldn’t hurt it)

Just make sure that when you do it, you spit it out and don’t swallow. It wont kill you if you do, but the point of doing oil pulling to draw out toxins, swallowing them would just put them right back in. Also, while some people doing this have stopped brushing altogether because their mouth already feel clean after doing the pull, Id recommend you brush anyway. You don’t want residual toxins left on your teeth or in your mouth, plus it doesn’t eliminate morning breath and a tooth brush can get into those spots in your mouth where a rinse can’t.

The good thing about Coconut as well is that it has antiseptic properties which helps with gum irritation, and in the killing of germs in general.  

So I’m going to keep this up!

I leave you alone…you leave me alone.

Apparently “faith” is one of those irritating buzz wordy things that start fights. I think its ridiculous. Here’s why.

I grew up in a  very devout Catholic house. I was raised by my grandmother and I went to church a couple of times a week. At one time I even considered becoming a bride of Christ, which I think surprises many given the size of my mouth. So what I’m about to write here, I write from my knowledge base and from my own experience.

There are a lot of religions out there, and there are a lot of cults. Those in cults don’t know they are in one until they have left. And, there are those who are so convicted in their faiths that believe that everything else is a cult. Catholicism is no exception. Growing up I was taught about how everyone but Christians went to Hell, and that even several Christians wouldn’t still go to hell because we aren’t good enough. But God help you with you were Mormon, or Jewish or heaven forbid a Buddhist because you were pretty much just as bad as Hitler.  I’m going to give you a little 411 on God right now.

If you are Atheist, that’s fine. You believe that Science is the root of creation and that religious peeps call that shit “God” because we don’t understand it. Let me tell you something, I understand science better than most, and it is because of that understanding that I still believe in God. Nothing in this universe is spontaneous. Things are set in motion, and while some will say “Science sets in in motion”, I would ask you to explain how and why it does and to determine its origin into being and the events that put that fact into place. ie: Big bang created the universe, I absolutely believe that. But that star came from somewhere. Something set events in motion that made it explode. What was it?

A well educated Christian will acknowledge the fact that Science explains through demonstration much more than the bible demonstrates in Faith. The other half, well they believe the earth is 6000 years old when there are trees older than that. This is of course, beside the point. I’m not right about everything, and its quite possible I’m wrong about this, but my being wrong doesn’t automatically make you right. FYI. I shouldn’t have to defend or explain what I believe and neither should you. The truth is that no matter how devout you are, you wont know the TRUTH about the existence of God until you die. If you say “I know the truth now” no, you don’t. You have FAITH now. YOU BELIEVE it to be true, but really the only real tangible, eyes on proof you will get is when you die. I believe in  heaven, my heart tells me it exists, but do I know for sure? Do any of us KNOW? nope. Because if it is real, no one who has ever been there ever comes back sooooo…. yeah. (people need to get that distinction between Faith and Knowledge a lot clearer in their heads because that would solve a lot of problems) (Heaven by the way may very well be Pablum fed to me to comfort me when people I loved passed away, like some nice bed time story. That is entirely possible, but I reserve my right to believe it is there BECAUSE it makes me feel better and you have NO RIGHT to try and convince me other wise and visa versa)

The big problem in this world is the all or nothing attitude religious types have. If your God is intrinsically good, then would he not inspire tolerance in you? I believe that we all have the right and the intelligence to choose or not choose our beliefs. We have a right to live our lives the way we want to so long as our actions don’t bring harm unto others and we have a right to do that without being told we are in a cult or having someone else’s beliefs forced upon us. Which brings me to the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints.

Dude, believe what you want. Live your life according to your faith and be happy and content in it. I will greet you at my door and politely turn you away. But so help me. You come to my grave side after I’m long gone and Baptize me Mormon I will rise up and haunt you until you hang yourself in your basement. Why? because you have NO RIGHT to baptize anyone who does not WANT to be baptized. Now granted, I don’t believe in anything your church stands for and I don’t believe it holds any sort of validity whatsoever (my opinion), but that’s because of MY knowledge of the bible and my faith. Your teachings are as my bf would say “horse puckey” so it shouldn’t bother me if you baptize me Mormon any more than it should bother me if anyone made me an honorary Starfleet academy officer. But it does. Because I will respect you enough to not have you baptized catholic. I respect you enough as a person to accept you as a neighbor, a friend, a co worker without forcing my beliefs on you and I expect the same in return.

We don’t all have to agree about stuff, people. We don’t all have to like the same things and live the same way. We just have to be respectful enough to accept that that’s the way it is! We wonder why the world is the way it…. What WOULD Jesus do? probably not what all a y’all are doing right now..thats what….