By now we’ve all heard about the tragic passing of Robin Williams. I suppose I could weigh in and share funny anecdotes and jokes. Or I could call attention to mental illness. But I’m not doing either on of those things. At least, not really.
The fact is that while we are all stunned about what as happened, I can say that for myself, I am more upset about his soul. Not in a religious “all suicides go to hell” kind of way, cuz I don’t believe that. No, what I mean is that having dealt with depression, having been suicidal, and while still dealing with my own emotional issues, I can say that while I don’t know the details of how Mr Williams felt, I know how his soul felt. Heavy.
There is something that happens when you get that low. That overwhelming, tidal wave of searing hot pain that washes over you. when your tears are hot and your heart feels so heavy you think it will stop beating on its own. When you want an asteroid to crash through your ceiling and end it all, or a giant eraser to come and take away all the things that hurt your heart. And the thing is, it’s never just one thing. Its never just the one person, or event or stressor that makes you want to just walk away from your own life. Its everything and everyone in it. And then when you think it is so unmanageable that you can’t summon the strength to eat or sleep, you make a business decision. that’s really what it is. you make the only “rational” decision you are capable of making. If it doesn’t work… If it makes you un happy… if you think the situation will improve by removing yourself from it… you end it. That’s how it was for me.
I literally went through the thought process of “If I were dead, then this and this and this..” Its not that we don’t think people care, deep down we know people do.. its just that we care about them to the point where we actually talk ourselves into believing they will be better off without us.
That being said, What upsets me most, is that this man has struggled with depression, and that I know the desperation he felt. And I am saddened by the fact that he felt there was no way out of it. That in itself is a tragedy.
People have been going on about the manner in which he took his own life, and all I can say to those people is “fuck you, fuck off”. Does it matter how he did it? Should it not matter more that he did it AT ALL? Why do you need to know all the details? Moreover, if you are one of those douchebags who is getting a tattoo of him in memorial.. ARE YOU ON ACID?!
Yeah the guy was a comic genius. He was loved by many. But a) Paul Walker. Ok he dies everyone was up in arms about it for MONTHS… getting tattoos and doing stuff… no denying he passed tragically as well, but everyone FORGOT about him to some extent and went on with their lives. The same is true of this. You are going to get a tattoo to memorialize a man you don’t know. A man who never knew you. Why? So you can be all trendy and show your ink off and people will think you’ll sensitive an shit? And b) You want to memorialize Robin Williams? HELP PREVENT ANOTHER SUICIDE. Stop asking stupid questions, stop getting tattoos and setting up websites that no one but you and your hipster friends will see, get off your ass and make friends with the kid at your school who has no friends. Have lunch with the kid who sits by himself. Go to a seniors center and volunteer. Volunteer at the hospital. On a suicide prevention help line. Smile at a stranger, buy a homeless person some coffee, tell that frazzled mother at Walmart with a cart full of screaming kids that she’s doing a good job and that it’s going to get easier. Tell her she looks pretty. That’s how you honor a man who gave so much of himself to the world and could barely spend the same on himself. Imagine what your kind words and actions can do.