POGONOPHILIA….It’s a thing.

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I’m what you call a Pogonophile. I like beards. A lot. In fact Id dare to say that it’s reached an almost “fetish” level… and I’m not alone. In fact there are more and more women who are discovering the magic of facial gardens. But before men everywhere decide to start growing realistic facial moss all willy nilly, let me tell you, Beards have rules. No…they really do. And I’m going to share these rules for you. Now, keep in mind, I don’t speak for all women, but I probably speak for a whole lot of us when I say the following, so if you’re going to grow facial hair, then you should take this into consideration.

1)There is a fine line between trimming and becoming king of the douchebags. If you find yourself making little swirls and loops until your beard looks like a tribal tattoo. You’ve gone too far. No woman in her right mind thinks that’s hot. Unless you’re both into Cos Play and you are going for the whole “Seneca Crane” look. Which is wicked hot in a COSPLAY CONTEXT. but she’s not going to want to go to the mall and hang out with you or anywhere else if your face requires that kind of upkeep. Beards are supposed to make you look and feel manly and robust. I think women everywhere agree on this.

2)Beards to avoid: Unless you live on Jersey Shore, avoid pencil line beards. That’s not a beard. Its a an attempt at a beard. Also while on the subject, Those “ring beards”… it looks like your neck is trying to give birth to your face. Avoid that like the black death, it looks beyond stupid NO ONE can pull off that look. Same can be said about Chin straps in my opinion… those things are dumb too.

3)Hygiene: Facial hair is hair. It holds on to dirt, oil, odors… especially if you smoke. You can buy beard wash and conditioners and they smell amazing. In fact I have some at home which I bought simply because it smells amazing. I obviously don’t have  a beard (I’m female), but I gotta tell you, running my finger tips through a beard, and kinda massaging the cheeks and chin.. especially if it feels nice and smells awesome… I’m yours forever…(FYI: It’s called Ogallala Bay Rum Sandlewood Vanilla, and you can buy soaps, shave creams… all kinds of stuff… all available online..It’s sexy as all hell…really.)

4)Now, I’ve been into beards since GI Joe had one. In fact I believe my Ken doll at one point had a beard. But that being said, not every man can sport a full beard. Which brings me to a very important point. While a beard is very, very sexy, it’s not what makes the man. Ultimately it boils down to how  a man carries himself. Who he is. If you can only grow a goatee, then you grow it and own it. If you can only do a moustache, then do that. If you can’t grow facial hair, because some men can’t, it doesn’t make you less attractive. Beards for most of us Pogonophiles is a preference much like blond hair or long legs would be for a man. It doesn’t mean you’ll never find a brunette unattractive.  So if you are going to be one of those clean shaven guys, that’s okay. In the end a woman who is deserving of your attention will love you for what you bring to the table. So don’t stress out about trying to fill out your facial hair and fluffing it or God knows what else. It’s unnecessary, and really when all is said and done, you’ll look better with no facial hair than you would with sporadic facial hair patterns.

5) If you happen to be dating a Pogonophile, or hope to, be ready to be felt up…in the beard. Think about it, if you like big boobs on a girl and you date this woman with a gorgeous rack and she said “yeah go ahead and look, but don’t touch em…ever” Relationship over…right? Yeah. It’s like that for us too.

6)If you look good in a  beard and your woman (or man) likes it that way…please keep it. Women do lots of additional grooming for the sake of their partners, if we ask you to keep the beard cus it gets us off…keep the damn beard. If you shave it off for a  legitimate reason (like you got wood glue in it) then fine.. decent reason. If you shave it off for no reason, well, lets just say something’s up with that. Because why would you deliberately remove something that your partner finds sexy and can get you laid a whole lot unless you DON”T WANT to get laid? If you like long hair on a  woman and just to prove a point she chops it off. Yeah she’s still your woman and you’d probably still do her, but are you slightly less attracted to her because her hair is as short as yours or shorter? yeah…maybe. That’s how you gotta look at it.

I love a nice beard. When it’s clean and kept up. I’m not a big fan of Beard art.. the ones you see at competition. They have a  whole sport around it called Bearding. Those beards are a little over the top for my taste.  Did I miss any beard rules? let me know!

 

In the meantime, check this out! https://www.facebook.com/youbeard?fref=nf

Can’t stop here…

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We aren’t all born with backbones. Some of us (Me), are born with this weird gelatinous substance that doesn’t really serve a purpose other than to help us bend over efficiently when other people take advantage of us. And Id love to say that they take advantage of me because they are horrible evil people, but really, they take advantage of me because I let them. I give, and I give and I make allowances, and I’m kind, and considerate and the “bigger person”, until months later when I’m explaining to the guy I’m seeing why my ex boyfriend’s stuff that I packed FOR him, is still sitting in my basement and all over my garage and why none of the stuff that is supposed to be done, that he promised to do, is done. And all I can say is “It’s not a  big deal”. But really… its is. I have no reason to help the guy really, but I do because I’m not a total bitch. And I’m going to continue to lie to myself and say that he appreciates it and is thankful for my kindness, but really that a fucking lie too because he was never appreciative of anything I did while we were together so I have no reason to believe he appreciates me now. Truth be known, a guy who gets paid weekly and has received 16 checks (min) since we broke up should have had ample time and funds to not only do what he said he was going to do but also move his stuff out by now. But he hasn’t, and the reason he hasn’t is because I’m not a  total bitch.

I suppose I could have sold the van (Which I bought) from underneath him and used to money to pay someone to come finish the work in the house, or sold all that collectable shit I bought him and packed up so nicely for him and used that to buy what I needed to do the work myself, but I didn’t. Again, I’m not a total bitch. (To clarify, the work is not a huge undertaking. An additional room was built in my house for his son. you read that last part right. We actually built a room for his son in my rental. read that last word over again. Rental. And the ceiling and trim is still not done, even though it’s been built for 1 1/2 years already. so that’s my precedent right there. He had a year and a half to do it before he moved out and didn’t. And if it’s not done, when I get evicted, which I will because Ill be short on rent because I can’t rent out the unfinished room, I won’t get my damage deposit back, and I won’t have any $ to move anywhere else. But still…Me= not a bitch)

The truth is, I’ve never been good at sticking up for myself. I’ve always been so concerned about not hurting people, and about not making people angry with me that I made allowances for bad behavior all my life. I’ve kept people in my life that manipulated me, used me, hurt me, and all because I’ve made it my problem to make them happy with me, or in general, and really, that should not be my problem. And yet here we are, in an unfinished bedroom, in a basement still packed with my ex bf’s crap. Wondering how in the fuck I’m paying rent this month because I haven’t been able to rent said bedroom out because it’s not finished. And still, I’m not being a bitch to the guy and taking care of this shit and leaving him with whatever the fucks left…

Ok so that whole thing has just made me reflect on something my friends tell me all the time. That I’m too nice. I was told just yesterday that I am too nice to have been treated the way I’ve been treated. But yet in the same breath, I’m told how great it is that I’m so nice. Because people like me are hard to find. Honestly it’s confusing, because in general, I like who I am. I do nice things for people and I spoil those close to me because it makes me feel good to do that. And unlike some people I know, I don’t do nice stuff to hold over someone head later. I just do it when, and because I can. And I wait for someone to pay it forward. The problem is that in doing that I usually get the shaft. Which is essentially what is going to happen here. I’m going to pay to get all this stuff done in my house so I can rent the fucking room out, Ill arrange for a  truck to take all his stuff to his new place when and if he ever gets one, and Ill probably fucking get him a housewarming gift and smile every goddamned inch of the way… I need to not do that. Because I can honestly say that I doubt very much he would ever repay the favor. Which is evident based on the way he “got on” fixing that shit he said he’d finish. It’s not important to him so it’s not important. And  that’s really it right there. the bones of it. If its important to you, it’s important to me. If it’s important to me, it can wait.

I wonder if I can get a backbone transplant…

the funny thing, is that I’ll get over it, and I’ll get on with my life. I can take care of myself and have been for a very long time. In the last few months, I’ve taken some important steps in removing people from my life who have been negative. And it’s been a  huge relief. You can love someone and still put an end to bad behavior. For me that has meant cutting off ties with people. Which has been difficult, but absolutely needed. In clearing out negative people, I’ve made room for positive ones. Primarily because not being weighed down by other people’s crap has made me happier, and more at peace with myself. And that attracts better people to you. Negative people attract negative people.. Positive people attract positive ones. Discerning which are negative and which are positive has been a challenge, but it’s been productive. It’s helped that I have a strong albeit small circle of friends who have helped me navigate. Yesterday sucked. Today is Better. Tomorrow will be fabulous. :)

Can’t stop here, this is bat country…

 

 

 

And someday when Im dead….

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I was asked recently if Id accomplish most of what I had hoped to accomplish by my 40th birthday. The answer to that is NO, no I have not.

The fact is that we all have our “plan”, some of us (me included) have our “If not married by the time I’m 40″ buddies, and that’s all good. But I can say that in my old age, I’ve learned some pretty important shit. Like for reals, yo.

Lesson #1, whatever your plan is, throw it out. Just get rid of it. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pursue your dreams, I’m just saying your dreams shouldn’t have deadlines. If those dreams are meant to come true, they will come true on their own damn time.

Lesson#2, stop listening to what people think and start paying attention to what you think. You are a lot wiser than you think. Now granted we ask friends for advice, but get real, really we are asking our friends to agree with us, right? We want to know we are doing the right thing. And if they disagree we usually poo-poo it and do what we want. What I’m telling you is that you need to skip the middle man and do what makes you happy.

Lesson #3, speaking of happiness, you deserve some. My happiness at the moment comes in the form of not giving a shit. For the first time EVER, I am taking care of myself. I’ve gotten rid of drama in my life and I feel much better. Because drama is contagious and its destructive. Nothing kills your buzz like someone feeding you bullshit and including you in their dog and pony show. I’ve started surrounding myself with people who share my interests, and quirks and are just “positive” people. Its made a massive difference.

Lesson #4,  there is nothing wrong with being alone, and dying that way. But if that’s the way you wind up, then let it be because you were unlucky and not because you stopped trying to find “the one”. Don’t be that person drinking their international coffee alone wishing they had put themselves out there more. Be the one who tried and got their heart broken and still got up the next day and put a profile up on Plenty of Fish and tried again. maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t. Don’t be so afraid of failure that you stop trying.

All I know is that when I die, I won’t have a big list of accomplishments to read off. And there won’t be a lot of pictures of me. Because I was the one behind the camera. I took pictures of those I loved and I loved them all fearlessly. I was around. I was the best person I knew how to be. I got knocked down and I got back up and gave people second chances. I forgave, and forgot and got on with life. I was generous with my time, my attention, my money, my affection. I wanted to be the bigger person, and even if I didn’t succeed in that, at least I tried.

I won’t make apologies for cutting people out of my life. I have my reasons and those closest to me know it takes me a lot to get to that point. But if I do it, its because it needs to happen. Maybe it’s permanent, maybe it’s not, who knows. But I can say as an adult of nearly 40 years old, that I have earned the right to decide who I want in my life, and what I can and cannot handle. I have earned the privilege of making my own decisions without criticism or condemnation. 

I also won’t make apologies for inviting people in, or changing my circumstances. And I should be able to do what I need to do as an adult to make myself happy and be healthy without being pressured to keep negative people around. which brings me to lesson #5.

Lesson #5, your family is the family YOU CHOOSE. Blood may tie you to a person, but it is just blood. Sometimes it is better to be without family that to have a dysfunctional one. We are products of our environment. If we surround ourselves with negative people, we become negative. Give yourself the freedom to remedy your environment and be happy on your own terms. Make your own family. Love those who love you. Help those who help you. Nurture those who nurture you. Distinguish between the forgivable and the unforgivable. Set your boundaries and defend them. Be you. Your real family will love you for your authentic self. Those who criticize you don’t really care, and they don’t matter.

I’ve got maybe 20 years on this planet, give or take, and that’s not long. I just had my 20 year reunion and my grad seems like it just happened, so the next 20 will no doubt fly by. I have spent much of my life trying to convince myself that I deserved to be loved. I have 0 time to invest in convincing anyone else.

You only own one heart and one life. And you have to fill those up on your own. Don’t count on anyone to make you happy. The right people should only add to your happiness. If you find yourself empty when people leave, its because you invested no time in caring about yourself. You are the cake. Delicious on your own. The people in your life are frosting and sprinkles. When the frosting leaves, you should still be left with cake which is still delicious. Don’t depend on people to bring you the cake as well because you may get it for a while, but you will always wind up disappointed. every single time. no joke. And if you find someone who not only brings you frosting, but helps you bake the cake, by God you hold on to the person for the rest of your life, because they really love you and want the best for you. Those people are rare.

When  I die, I want to be remembered at the best baker in town.

 

Random thoughts about random stuff

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1) Poptarts. They are in fact outlandishly delicious. Not because they are actually good, but because they are a comfort food. The fact that all the cool flavors are only in the states is a source of constant frustration for me.

2) There is something wonderful about snoring. When  its that cute “big Birdie” snore its absolutely delightful. Almost comic like. When its really loud, its still kinda funny. Its like rhythmic facial farting. wicked. When you are the one snoring its even better because you cant hear it, and you can’t be blamed for anything. When you wake yourself up with your own snoring with that tell tale “snort” its pretty much the best thing ever. Fun fact: After a full night of studying for diploma exams in High school, I fell asleep in English class and woke myself up with that snort, absolutely mortified after noticing that everyone was staring. 45 minutes had passed, god knows how long I was snoring for.

3) Cat puke makes me gag. Cat boxes make me gag. Dog kisses make me gag. Ok, a lot of things make me gag. Strangely enough the idea of consuming human blood does not. Weird right? I think it would taste like drinking pennies.

4) I need a vacation in the worst way. Not so much time off, but rather a change of scenery. I want to wake up in a strange bed, in a different city/town, get dressed and spend the day walking around finding cool shit. Then stay up late on  a balcony, or patio, or shore line, having a  cold beer, maybe eating some yummy local nosh and snuggling with someone awesome.

5) Ive been staying up really late lately, getting to know someone pretty awesome. And while watching the sun rise (on a few occasions) I can’t help but feel like I’m seeing it from the wrong side. Its  a peculiar feeling, but its still pretty great.

6) I have a guy best friend. Some people think it’s weird. I don’t. The fact is that he is closer to me than most men are. He just gets me. We were always “friendly” but it wasn’t until my hellish breakup that we were able to just hang out and get to know each other better. I have had some of the best talks with this man, and I can count on him in a  way I can’t count on anyone else. I have a  small circle of friends, because despite my absolute bad choices in men (until recently anyway :)), I make outstanding choices in friends. And because I don’t have any family near by, my friends are like my family. And this man is part of that small circle, and I love him. seriously, Id do anything for him, just as I would my other friends. There is not middle ground for me. I have acquaintances, and I have best friends. My acquaintances I am polite, social and friendly with. But my best friends can call me anytime day or night and I will bend over backwards for them. Its just the way I am. As you get older you realize its not how many friends you have, its how many you can actually count on. When he finds someone and starts dating again, Ill be jealous, but only because in my mind no one is good enough for him. And if she were to break his heart, I would in all honesty break her face. And I know he’s my best friend, because he feels the same about me.

7) Time really does heal all wounds. But sometimes the scab you get gets all keloid and you need an extreme makeover to get over that shit because it leaves you changed forever. sometimes though, that scar serves to remind you of what you’ve learned so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes. That’s not a bad thing.

8) When you are in love with someone who doesn’t or can’t love you back, you have to let them go. I’ve spent far too much of my life convincing myself that I am worthy of being loved, I have zero time to convince someone else. I shouldn’t have to.

9) I cannot change a tire. I can however, drain an abscess on a  sheep.

10) I woke up the other day actually feeling old. I woke up at 6:30 am, got up and made my bed, made my coffee, and drank it black because I don’t like the fat in milk and sugar make me feel sick. Then had a piece of dried toast and put away a shit load of empty beer bottles plus a bottle wine in the recycling then sat down to watch the weather network with my dog because deciding I needed to go back to bed because a) I was tired and b) wtf was I doing up so fucking early on my day off? Then laying there I was struck with the thought that I should maybe get some yard work done, maybe fix my sewing machine so I can start on  Mugatu and Katinka Nagovana-na-nah costumes. I’m not just old. I’m a  nerdy 65 year old. What’s next? Ill be wearing  kitten sweatshirt sitting in my Grand LeMans outside the bingo hall waiting for that bastard to open so I can buy my early bird cards, and the fact that even know about early bird cards frightens me to my very core.

11) A good woman wears many hats. She is a caregiver,a  friend, a teacher, a disciplinarian, a lover, a defender and an ally. She is loyal, and faithful and kind. She is beautiful and strong. She’s the woman who drops her plans to take care of a sick child, or a troubled friend. She’s the woman who stays up at night worrying about how she’ll cover the costs of bills, birthday presents and back to school supplies. She’s the one who spends her days off on call. She does these things not because she HAS to, but because she wants to. A “girl” does none of these things. A girl will rip through her partner’s pay checks without planning ahead. they are flighty, unfaithful, disrespectful, materialistic butt munches. Sure, she’s wearing the nice clothes, has her extensions in, her nails are done and she looks good, dancing on a  speaker with a drink in her hand. But after you’ve had your fun with her and she breaks your heart because you find out she’s a whorish idiot, you figure out you should have kept the boring good girl, because she’s the one who would have made you happy. Too bad we are too fucking boring, have fun with your syphilis. Don’t even dare bitch for one second that you need to find a good woman, cus chances are you had her and you broke her heart.

12) Sometimes being scared makes you smart. And sometimes it makes you stupid. My fear of snakes is stupid. I realize this. My fear of being hurt, that makes me smart. It forces me to tread lightly, and be careful. It makes me be choosier about who I spend my time with.

13) I’m not going to stop being “nice” just because the world is largely populated by assholes. If anything, that makes me want to be nicer because the world needs it.

 

Because that’s just who I am…

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I was brought up largely by my grandmother who taught me to be a proper lady. That means That I am kind to others, generous and considerate. And so far that has served me well in that I seldom feel remorse for the things I say or do because I don’t often put myself in the situation when I say or do something I later regret. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened. I know the taste of my own foot better than some, but at least I am smart enough to make a conscious effort to avoid those moments. That being said, sometimes people do get irritated, even offended by my way of speaking. And by that I mean they can’t handle my sarcasm.

Sarcasm, like misplaced humor, is something I use to protect myself. I use it often I guess. Probably more than most people but mostly because I feel like I need to protect myself more than the average gal. I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, so having a  shield is helpful. But I am never more aware of this than when I am at my shrinks office.

Ok, truth be told, I know the man is trying to help me. Ok, yes he is, I get it… he gets  a gold star. I am also every aware of the fact that I need help dealing with some of my issues. But seriously, as a mental health professional who has been seeing me on and off for over 2 years, he should be well aware of the fact that the more sarcastic I am, the more vulnerable I feel. Think about it. Does a cop pull his gun unless he feels threatened? No. So why the fuck would I?

The big problem is that the more I fend him off, the more he batters my defenses, no doubt trying to get to the creamy center of my psyche. The place where all my barriers come down and I have a “breakthrough”. Do I want a breakthrough? No. Not really. I’d sooner put shit in my hands and clap, or walk barefoot in a field of lego blocks. To be honest it scares the living shit out of me. So why go you say? Well ironically when I first went it was to deal with something completely different that what we’re talking about these days, its just that the subject at hand is what has been identified as a “root cause”.

But every time he says something and I come back with some sarcastic comment, he gets mad. He’s asked me to leave before. no kidding. And all I could think at the time was “dude, you have me backed into a corner, do you seriously expect me to comply?” because really, as a mental health professional you’d think he’s be able to spot that shit a mile away, and not only that, but accept it as part of my coping mechanism. I guess his frustration with me stems from a the fact that after two years I am no closer to today of “getting over” my root cause than I was when I walked in. I personally think that his frustration with me is really frustration with himself and maybe he’s the one who needs to be on the couch.

At any rate, I’ve fired my shrink. And I’m not looking for another one. I’m not ready. I don’t want to. I don’t care. The problems I need to deal with are the ones I deal with every day. Food, money, rent, kids… those need to be my concern right now. I’ve made it this far without “help”, so I think I’ll be find going forward… Dude doesn’t get me anyways, and he’s supposed to be highly respected in his field…so whatever. I am far too complicated.

Acts of Kindness

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So over the last little while, I have gotten an opportunity to get to know a casual friend better. We had chatted before and got along, but he wasn’t what I’d call a close friend by any means. But lately, with everything that had happened, I ventured out to rekindle old friendships, and work on new ones. Distraction I suppose.  It was difficult at first because I really felt worse for the wear. I was depressed and angry, feeling betrayed and distrustful of pretty much anyone. To be honest I hated everyone. Men in particular. Which is why spending time with some guy friends, hard at it was, was especially important. I knew that if I didn’t make an effort now, when I was feeling the most hurt, I never, ever would.

I needed to remind myself that not all men were cut from the same cloth, and that the actions of one did not reflect the intention of the masses. What I found was remarkable.

There were a few friends who were interested in my breakup only because they wanted to date or bed me. Those men were weeded out relatively quickly. But there were a couple, one in particular who has taught me something important.

As damaged as I feel I am. As crazy as I feel, and broken as I may seem, guys feel the same way. They get used and trampled on, broken and pissed off just like women do. They have the same coping mechanisms. They act out, lash out, self sabotage and pull away like everyone else. What I was feeling was not unique to me, or even unique to my gender. It humanized men. Suddenly not all men were self serving soulless creatures. And I stopped being the POA/ starter wife who gets treated like the conquest of flavor of the month.

This has been tremendously helpful in getting over my current challenges. What did it for me though, was Comicon. I wanted to go. so badly. But I didn’t. Things came up and I wound up working, and even if I hadn’t, the thought of going with my ex seemed like a fate worse than death. Instead I worked on a  scheduled day off and waited for my ex to fulfill a commitment he made to my children. He never did. So I sat there seething because my children had been stood up, wondering how it was that I managed to find men who seem so gifted at jerking me around. And one of my friends who had been at Comicon, and was sending me pictures over the weekend so I didn’t feel left out, came back not only with the tee-shirts I had requested and paid for, but with a  surprise for me. Ok now, I gave him money for the tee-shirts before he left, knowing that I was going to miss out on Comicon, but the surprise was so appreciated and unexpected because I honestly no not remember the last time I was surprised with anything for no other reason than to just… surprise me and be kind.

In that moment I think my perspective of men changed. There will always be men out there who give all men at large a bad reputation. But for every douche bag there is a guy who gets left out, friend zoned, and dumped for an ass hat. Its the same thing that happens to good women, and its the same thing that has happened to me numerous times.

Its funny how an act of kindness can turn you on a dime.

and then I felt better….

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This weekend was a big blur.

On Good Friday, I hit the end of my rope. I got to a  point where I said to me ex I was done. My exact words were “I’m going to leave you alone” to which he responded that I didn’t have to. But the truth is, I did. Every time I thought he’d call, Id sit and my heart would beat so hard it hurt. Id wait for it. And then it wouldn’t happen. Or he’d say he was going to come over and something stupid like a movie on TV distracted him to the point where he forgot that he said he would come over. Where the old him, the him I fell for, would have hoofed it to my house during a  commercial and watched the rest with me. Seeing him was like being roundhouse kicked in the heart because every part of me wanted to hold him. This was torture. Wanted to hear him say he missed me, and that he loved me… fishing for it and not getting what I needed… painful.

So on Friday after I told him I would leave him alone, he came over to pick up my dog and I made plans. I needed to get out of the house. something unexpected happened.

I left the house feeling worthless, unloved, forgotten, discarded and completely unimportant. Leaving the house had a lot more to do with saving my own life than anything else. I left before he arrived at the house so I wouldn’t have to see him.

I went to a friends house and hung out until the wee hours, drinking fabulous wine, and I felt the switch go off. I was laughing. I went several hours without crying. Then I went home, crawled into bed, and I slept. I didn’t dream about him. I didn’t fall asleep on a wet pillow. I didn’t wake up with my eyes swollen and red.

That day a friend came down for a  day. She and I spent the whole day just having fun and talking. I went the whole day not checking my phone to see if he texted. I didn’t cry, the whole day. And when we left the house to go to our play, I didn’t come home rushing to see if there was a little blinking light on my answering machine.

The following day, my friend left and I waiting for him to bring my dog back. When he did I was asleep. He came in and put his hand on my back. I didn’t break. He tried to make plans with me in a weird not committal half assed way and I rejected him. He tried to hug me, I couldn’t even put my arms around him. I could barely look at him in his face. In fact I’m not sure I did the whole time he was there. I knew that if I did, everything that I had not purged out over my tearless weekend would instantly come out. So I just.. didn’t. He left, I said thank you and goodbye.

I went out again last night and hung out with a friend, took my dog with me. Sat and watched a movie, cuddled a little boy who fell asleep on my chest.

Went home crawled into bed and slept. I slept.

Since this happened, he would text me good morning, and this weekend, today included, he didn’t text me anything.

Its not that I’ve given up on him. Or even that I wouldn’t take him back. Because I would. Its just that I’m done doing the work. I’m done being the one who makes an effort. If he misses me, if he wants to see me, if he loves me there is a myriad of ways he can let me know. Email, texts, phone, facebook, twitter… he just needs to pick one. If he actually wants to take me out, he just need to ask me and actually make the effort to not just remember but to be PRESENT. Trying to figure out my work schedule when its been the same for the last year so you can ask me out in a non committal way by saying “I probably wont have to money to do it anyway but I thought about checking out Captain America”… no thanks. I deserve better than that. (FYI: if you ask a girl out by inserting a reason why you might have to cancel on her, don’t even bother. Because what will happen is what always happens. She’ll wait for you to actually follow through and you will either cancel at the last minute or show up saying you cant do what you said, either way she feels let down.)

What I took away from this weekend is how completely important my friends need to be right now. So far, I’ve dealt with this whole thing by myself. Not really talking to anyone. This has quite literally been the worst thing I have ever been through, and my friends have been really respectful of my need to deal with this is the best way I can. I’m going to spend the next several weeks to months just pulling myself back. Dealing with my life and seeing what happens. If he comes back, it will be because he wants to be there. He made the effort. He’s been trying to come back. It wont be because I begged, or because I texted and called and wrote. He knows I love him. If he comes back it will be because he loves me. If he doesn’t, then I’m already on my way to getting a new life started without him.

I think I might be okay.