Sometimes what you need is distance in order to get your clarity. My recent relationship didn’t work out. And that’s ok, because it wasn’t a total wash.
The man I was dating taught me something important. And that was that needed to find the focus to take care of myself. You see, I have some, oh, lets call them, Crisis in my life at the moment. Everything is more or less in the air. And I find myself very much afraid for my future in a way I never have been before. While this man was the sweetest guy on the planet, and while my time with him has brought me laughter and joy at a time when I needed desperately, what he taught me was that I was wrong to look for the things ina partner that I had been looking for. I had been looking for someone to share the load. To support me, and protect me. But really, what I needed was someone to let me do that for myself.
I am very capable to slaying my own dragons. The fact that I don’t want to should have no bearing on my opinion of my abilities. And it certainly should not impede my efforts. In fact, I need to take care of this thing I am facing on my own, and I need to do it in a brave way. And when I have, the people who should be in my life will still be here.
Recently, I had to make the uncomfortable decision of telling a close friend to effectively “fuck off”: That I didn’t want visits or phone calls or texts. I wasn’t rude, but I was assertive. This man has had a romantic interest in me, and me telling him this didn’t go over well. On some level, I think he assumed that being single again, that he and I would simply fall together. But the fact is that this will never happen, for a million reasons. But the biggest reason why, came as a result of my expressing my need to be alone. He parked his truck just out of sight, walked up to my door, dropped off my Christmas gifts on my door step and ran off like a needy attention seeking 4 year old. As if to say “If you don’t want to see me now, you will never see me again. To say I was pissed is an understatement.
Those who know me know that I take care of everyone all of time. I seldom take time to myself, so when I do, there is a reason. My friends understand this and give me my space. My recent ex understood this and forced the space on me, and the ex who broke my heart 1/2 a year ago had kept a healthy distance, making himself available to talk when and if I feel the need, because he knows, that’s all I need.
So this is my type of rehab. Rather than going away and taking a physical time out, I am separating myself from people and limiting my interaction with them, as a means to preserving focus on myself. Something that is sorely needed at the moment.
While disappointed that my relationship with this amazing guy didn’t work out, and while ever hopeful that we will eventually find our way back to each other in one way or another when this all blows over, I am grateful to have this time out to myself. To fix what needs fixing. To find my own strength. Rediscover my sword, and slay another dragon. Hopefully I won’t be slaying them alone for long.