Clarity and Focus


Sometimes what you need is distance in order to get your clarity. My recent relationship didn’t work out. And that’s ok, because it wasn’t a total wash.

The man I was dating taught me something important. And that was that needed to find the focus to take care of myself. You see, I have some, oh, lets call them, Crisis in my life at the moment. Everything is more or less in the air. And I find myself very much afraid for my future in a way I never have been before. While this man was the sweetest guy on the planet, and while my time with him has brought me laughter and joy at a time when I needed desperately, what he taught me was that I was wrong to look for the things ina  partner that I had been looking for. I had been looking for someone to share the load. To support me, and protect me. But really, what I needed was someone to let me do that for myself.

I am very capable to slaying my own dragons. The fact that I don’t want to should have no bearing on my opinion of my abilities. And it certainly should not impede my efforts. In fact, I need to take care of this thing I am facing on my own, and I need to do it in a brave way. And when I have, the people who should be in my life will still be here.

Recently, I had to make the uncomfortable decision of telling a  close friend to effectively “fuck off”: That I didn’t want visits or phone calls or texts. I wasn’t rude, but I was assertive. This man has had a romantic interest in me, and me telling him this didn’t go over well. On some level, I think he assumed that being single again, that he and I would simply fall together. But the fact is that this will never happen, for a  million reasons. But the biggest reason why, came as a result of my expressing my need to be alone. He parked his truck just out of sight, walked up to my door, dropped off my Christmas gifts on my door step and ran off like a needy attention seeking 4 year old. As if to say “If you don’t want to see me now, you will never see me again. To say I was pissed is an understatement.

Those who know me know that I take care of everyone all of time. I seldom take time to myself, so when I do, there is a reason. My friends understand this and give me my space. My recent ex understood this and forced the space on me, and the ex who broke my heart 1/2 a year ago had kept a healthy distance, making himself available to talk when and if I feel the need, because he knows, that’s all I need.

So this is my type of rehab. Rather than going away and taking a  physical time out, I am separating myself from people and limiting my interaction with them, as a means to preserving focus on myself. Something that is sorely needed at the moment.

While disappointed that my relationship with this amazing guy didn’t work out, and while ever hopeful that we will eventually find our way back to each other in one way or another when this all blows over, I am grateful to have this time out to myself. To fix what needs fixing. To find my own strength. Rediscover my sword, and slay another dragon. Hopefully I won’t be slaying them alone for long.

I may, in fact, be totally screwed…


I tell my friends I love them. In fact as an adult, having lost friends unexpectedly, I have come to the realization that telling someone that you love them is so incredibly important to do while they are alive. You may not have another chance, and they may need to hear it.

So, I’ve been seeing this amazing guy now for 2 months. We talked for 2 months prior to our first date. He pursued me relentlessly and asked me out about 6 times before I finally agreed to meet with him. He was a nice enough guy, but having had my heart splattered all over the pavement, I was reluctant to date anyone.

This guys has had much of the same experiences I have. We have been lied to, cheated on, used. He’s the nice guy you hear legends about but never find, and I’m the nice girl that guys friend zone. That we found each other at all, it’s staggering. At any rate. Things with us are going very well. And we have spent almost every day together. Which in normal Carole world, that’s a bad thing, but not so much this time. He makes me laugh, he laughs at me… it’s nice. He’s not the jealous kind, he has no problem with me hanging out with my best friend who is a guy, although he was worried about my ex. (Because I had been in love with him), he was worried that when he came to my house to pick up the last of his stuff, that we would get back together. It really bothered him, because he was worried that Id choose my ex over him (which FYI I never would). Anyway, we’ve had tiny little issues come up along the way which is bound to happen when you see so much of someone, and always we have been able to take care of it and talk things out. He’s beyond kind and sweet and generous and truly I love spending time with him.

So here’s what happened. I’ve been scared to get attached to anyone. So I’ve done a very good job of keeping myself in check and pulling it back whenever I felt myself getting “fuzzy”. But about a week ago, I was getting off the phone with him and I said “Love you” before I hung up. I didn’t even realize it came out of my mouth. He called me on it later. Talk about awkward! Because truth be known, when thinking about it I thought “well, I tell my friends I love them all the time, it’s reflex kinda”. So that’s what that was. I told him I “wasn’t there yet”. He said “Carole, I’m not in love with you”. This was evidently an awkward conversation for both of us.

But then last week was pretty horrible. My hours at work were cut down, my car hit the skids… It was just a rough week. And yesterday he got paid, and he took my car to be fixed. It wasn’t cheap. He paid, he shouldn’t have. He says he wants to help and he’s been trying to sneak the kids away to take them back to school shopping for clothes to help me out. I’m so touched by how generous he is, and that he genuinely just wants to do these things for me, it moves me. So yesterday he calls and tells me that he will be headed over to my place after work with my car, that he misses me and I could call him if I missed him, that my car was getting fixed and that he’d be home to me soon. (we don’t live together). I was so overwhelmed by how incredibly kind he is that I caught myself almost saying it to him again. I was on the “L” and immediately went to “thank you”, so it was all like “I L-Thank you baby”… laaaaaaaaaammmeee….

Please someone tell me what in the actual fuck I’m supposed to do now. When I catch myself wanting to say it, I mean it. I do. But I’m just so scared of getting ground into paste again that I routinely shut down and push this amazing guy away by being aloof and junk, and he doesn’t deserve that. I can’t help but think that if I were to just be honest about how I feel, that I would free myself to be me around him all the time and I wouldn’t inadvertently hurt him, but being honest about that also means opening myself up to be hurt, and the possibility that he doesn’t feel the same about me. Also being honest about how I feel opens me up to feel all of it, and that scares me beyond belief.

My magic 8 ball said “ask again later”. HELP ME.

La la la la la la laaaa….



It’s not that I’m trying to be ignorant. I’m not pretending by any means that my opinion is somehow more valid than the next guys or that there isn’t truth to what other people say. What I’ve been doing is using a slightly more advanced form of selective hearing.

You see, for the past several months, to (if we’re being honest) several YEARS, I have let people’s words affect my life. The fact is that for the most part I have let the negative words affect me most. So my feelings are often hurt as I often feel attacked by people who employ passive aggressive techniques to get their point across (valid or not) and when positive things are said, I often don’t take those in. Mostly because by the time I hear positive things, I’m so used to hearing crap that I give zero credence to the other stuff and often see positive comments as back handed compliments or somehow think I’m being made fun of.

The fact is that those who have had nothing but negative, criticizing and condescending things to say to me lately have little to no idea what my life is like. They think they know, but really, they have zero clue. Often, the comments I get are coming from people who A) assume that they know everything and that they are always right, and that B) I don’t know what I am talking about. And while I freely admit that I don’t know everything, I will tell you that no one on this planet is a better expert at MY LIFE, than I am. No one but me has all the information about my life and what is going in it, but me. So I find it insulting to have my choices questioned by people (my friends in some cases) who live vastly different lives than  I do, and are not subject to the same challenges that I face every single day. After all, I would go to a surgeon’s house and tell him I understand the pressures of holding a strangers life in your hands and how to deal with the ensuing feelings following the passing of a patient. Because I’m not a doctor. I have no way of REALLY knowing how that feels or much less how to fix it, and any criticism about how they are handling it the wrong way would be insulting to say the very least. And that’s how I feel.

So Facebook has been terrible lately. More and more I find rumors being spread about random meaningless things. People up in arms about Facebook Messenger and how it’s magically going to turn your phone on and steal your cat videos without your permission, and face pictures of Robin William’s corpse, and “unbelievable” videos that you have to share 25 times to see. people who have been charged and not convicted of offences being prosecuted in the court of public opinion before they even see the inside of court room, all done by people who are at best functionally literate who believe everything they see on the internet and then pass it on and share it like the post came from God himself. I’ve seen this first hand with a  relative who had been accused of a  sexual assault. Before he had even seen a court room, Facebook was fraught with statements about how he should be killed and set on fire. He was found INNOCENT by the way, but that didn’t matter because by then he had lost his business, it caused stress on his marriage, his children, they had financial issues because he wasn’t able to work, his life was effectively ruined. While some of it borders on the ridiculous like human baby meat found in McDonalds food, I still find it horrendous that seemingly intelligent people propagate this filth like it’s the truth.

We try to teach our children to be responsible on the internet, but more and more I see a dumbening of adults on social media. So for me, my lesson in responsibility to ignore everyone who is guilty of “sharing” these things. On facebook, you have the option of unfollowing people without unfriending them. I have unfollowed everyone with the exception of a few. If you don’t want to see something, unfollow. If lies are being told, unfollow. Stop resharing. Stop reading, and stop exposing yourself to it.

For myself, the purging of my follow list has made for a much more pleasant social media experience. I’m not being called a retard for preferring PS4 to xBox, or stupid for wanting to buy a small car (which btw is the only kind of car I can afford, fuck you very much). I’m not swamped by posters about legalizing weed, or “worms” coming out of armpits, I’m not haplessly stumbling into debates about politics, religion or whether or not I’m being spied on every time I play angry birds… I see what I want to see and that is it and it has made me a much happier person.

While we can’t control what is happening in the world, and while I am certainly not suggesting we shut the world out and keep our heads in the sand by any means, I simply think we should be choosier about what we read, and scrutinize it before we pass it on. You should be educated before you seek to educate.

This is what the world has become


Another journalist killed. I remember the first time I heard of something like this happening. It was when Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and later beheaded, much in the same way that James Foley was. And they are not the only two who have been slaughtered this way.

The sad thing is that the men who carry these acts out, are just as convicted in their belief that they are doing the right thing as we are that they are not. Regardless of your own political beliefs, or how you feel in general about the global climate, I think we can all be in agreement that it is a terrible thing that in this day age, we are used to seeing headlines like the ones we see lately. I’ve become so used to seeing those types of headlines that I barely look up to see what’s going on anymore. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s not even that I’m desensitized. It’s simply that I can’t bear to see it anymore. I mean, for fuck sake they posted links to see the video of the guy getting his head cut off! And the people who did this, if you can call them that, posted stills on twitter and how many people went and watched?! How many people saw the video of that man losing his life? how many reposted it, or made someone else watch?! The fact that you can go on the internet and google images of JonBennet Ramsey’s corpse pretty much speaks louder than anything I should think. Her autopsy photos are public record now I guess, and the statute on decency is not existent. Zelda Williams just deleted her account on twitter cus some asshole posted a fake image on her feed of a dead guy who had hung himself and bore a resemblance to her dad, captioned “shame that it had to end this way” and linking it to an external site so he could get more retweets. PEOPLE do this…. PEOPLE.

What’s going on in Missouri for instance. It’s sickening. I don’t want to come across as a fatalist, but here it is. You know the “end times” we keep hearing about? This is it. This is the end times. It’s not the divine hand of God that will finish us, it’s us raising our hands against each other. It’s the hatred we culture, the intolerance we foster and the cruelty we defend. That is what will eventually end us. And if that is the way it is, then I want to be at ground zero when the world goes to shit. Just drop the A bomb right on my fucking head. I don’t want to live and witness the decline of a world, long idealized in books and movies and in the optimist pablum fed to us as children. Let me die swiftly, surrounded by the few things that comfort me and bring  a smile to my face.

Let the world come to it’s inevitable end. let all those who bring mayhem and chaos to the world, die along with the negativity they fraught. and when the dust settles, let the world start over. Sometimes you need the fever to kill the infection.

I look at my kids, my youngest especially. She knows bad things happen in the world. On the one hand I envy her naïveté as she has no real understanding of how disgusting and violent this world has become. She can smile freely and play, blissfully unaware. On the other hand, she sees the headlines, she sees the news. I warn her against strangers, and pedophiles released to our side of town. She knows people are hurt, and people die. And that in and of itself in intensely sad to me. Because as scary as the world may seem to her at times, it’s nothing in comparison to reality. And as safe as she feels when I watch over her, I’m defenseless, just as she is.

I’m not going to wait for the world to turn on a dime and change it’s ways. Nope. Instead, I’m going to wait for the world to fall on it’s ass, because that’s what’s coming. And we are all guilty of either action or inaction. We are all guilty. We live on a  planet where we blame God for the bad things that happen, but we did those things to ourselves. Assuming you even believe in God, because it seems fewer do every single day. I believe in God and science. I believe in free will and divine interference. I believe that when all is said and done, each of us will have to come to terms with the way we have lived our lives. I believe in hell because I think some people really do belong there, and in heaven because there are innocents who deserve eternal peace and joy. What I don’t believe in anymore is the ability of man to do the right thing. Man’s capability of compassion. Ours is a cruel world and I am just sick to death of it. WTF is wrong with people…

And then it ends


By now we’ve all heard about the tragic passing of Robin Williams. I suppose I could weigh in and share funny anecdotes and jokes. Or I could call attention to mental illness. But I’m not doing either on of those things. At least, not really.

The fact is that while we are all stunned about what as happened, I can say that for myself, I am more upset about his soul. Not in a religious “all suicides go to hell” kind of way, cuz I don’t believe that. No, what I mean is that having dealt with depression, having been suicidal, and while still dealing with my own emotional issues, I can say that while I don’t know the details of how Mr Williams felt, I know how his soul felt. Heavy.

There is something that happens when you get that low. That overwhelming, tidal wave of searing hot pain that washes over you. when your tears are hot and your heart feels so heavy you think it will stop beating on its own. When you want an asteroid to crash through your ceiling and end it all, or a giant eraser to come and take away all the things that hurt your heart. And the thing is, it’s never just one thing. Its never just the one person, or event or stressor that makes you want to just walk away from your own life. Its everything and everyone in it. And then when you think it is so unmanageable that you can’t summon the strength to eat or sleep, you make a business decision. that’s really what it is. you make the only “rational” decision you are capable of making. If it doesn’t work… If it makes you un happy… if you think the situation will improve by removing yourself from it… you end it. That’s how it was for me.

I literally went through the thought process of “If I were dead, then this and this and this..” Its not that we don’t think people care, deep down we know people do.. its just that we care about them to the point where we actually talk ourselves into believing they will be better off without us.

That being said, What upsets me most, is that this man has struggled with depression, and that I know the desperation he felt. And I am saddened by the fact that he felt there was no way out of it. That in itself is a tragedy.

People have been going on about the manner in which he took his own life, and all I can say to those people is “fuck you, fuck off”. Does it matter how he did it? Should it not matter more that he did it AT ALL? Why do you need to know all the details? Moreover, if you are one of those douchebags who is getting a tattoo of him in memorial.. ARE YOU ON ACID?!

Yeah the guy was a comic genius. He was loved by many. But a) Paul Walker. Ok he dies everyone was up in arms about it for MONTHS… getting tattoos and doing stuff… no denying he passed tragically as well, but everyone FORGOT about him to some extent and went on with their lives. The same is true of this. You are going to get a tattoo to memorialize a man you don’t know. A man who never knew you. Why? So you can be all trendy and show your ink off and people will think you’ll sensitive an shit? And b) You want to memorialize Robin Williams? HELP PREVENT ANOTHER SUICIDE. Stop asking stupid questions, stop getting tattoos and setting up websites that no one but you and your hipster friends will see, get off your ass and make friends with the kid at your school who has no friends. Have lunch with the kid who sits by himself. Go to a seniors center and volunteer. Volunteer at the hospital. On a suicide prevention help line. Smile at a stranger, buy a homeless person some coffee, tell that frazzled mother at Walmart with a cart full of screaming kids that she’s doing a good job and that it’s going to get easier. Tell her she looks pretty. That’s how you honor a man who gave so much of himself to the world and could barely spend the same on himself. Imagine what your kind words and actions can do.

The truth about being a single mom


Being a parent is hard work. Even when you are in a solid commited relationship. But being a single mom, that’s a challenge in and of itself.

I have it better than a lot of single parents. My children all have the same dad, the products of a dysfunctional marriage that eventually ended in divorce. But they have a dad, and they spend equal time with both of us. The challenge for me in largely internal, but I know that many single parents in my situation can relate.

You see, when I got married and had children, that was my job, while my husband went off to get his tickets and set himself up in life. Pursuing his ambitions and interests. I stayed at home and ran around after three children, kept the house clean, did the laundry, cooked the meals, all while trying desperately to keep a smile on my face and pretending to be happy. I say pretending because my marriage was not a happy one by any means.

When the marriage ended, I had nothing. I had planned for several months to leave and finally after securing a line of credit, I moved out and filed for divorce. I cleaned people’s houses for a living. I also did random jobs for money. I enrolled in school and was going full time, while still doing shows around town (I’m a  musician), cleaning houses, cleaning cars, babysitting… It was very difficult on me financially. But I made it work. Looking back now, I am rather proud of myself for pulling myself together the way I did. But the whole time I was doing that, I was struggling internally. And I still am.

My children’s father is financially stable, and successful. I had been used to begging for money while we were married and explaining where every dime went, as well as being belittled for “sitting on my ass all day” as a stay at home mom. Now that I was single, I was filled with this intense need to prove to him, but mostly to myself, to my children, that I was equal to their dad. That I was capable of taking care of them. I was riddled with doubt and self loathing. Thinking myself incredibly selfish for walking away from the “stable home” to move in to some shitty two bedroom apartment where my three children had to share a tiny bedroom. Their dad’s home had a room for each of them, the cats, the dogs, the yard, the play ground. He had a new girlfriend who my kids liked and could see as a  mother figure. The “family home” stayed the same without me in it, and I had nothing.

I finished school and gave up spousal support, choosing to only accept child support, still sharing custody of the children. I wasn’t looking to punish anyone least of all my children by engaging in a pointless and painfully drawn out custody battle.

My wage slowly increased with each new job, and eventually I was able to quit cleaning houses, as well as babysitting. But it seemed as though every time I got a foot up, he got two in. I moved to a larger place, he took them on a  trip. I bought them a video game, he bought them big screen TVs, I baked them a birthday dinner, he threw them a party.  It always felt like a competition, and it still does. Which each new toy he bought the kids, I got a  bill in the mail I couldn’t pay.But that’s mostly my problem.

I know that my children appreciate the time I spend with them. They like that we talk, and play and laugh and do silly things. I know they know how hard I work, and that it’s hard for me some days to do what I want to do. They know mom is broke a lot. And I also know that none of that matters. I know they love me, not what I buy them.

I saw a bumper sticker of a woman on a  pole, and it said “I support single moms”. I nearly cried. Because it wasn’t so long ago that I considered doing desperate things to keep my kids happy. I have sold important things to pay for field trips, school events, games. I would do it again. I don’t regret any of it. I would gladly be that woman on that pole if it meant that my eldest could have a  car to drive to his extra curricular activities, or that my middle son could get a better laptop, or that my daughter could get a computer to do all the creative things she does. Or so I could have a reliable vehicle to gets my kids from point A to point B without fear of the car blowing up of dying all together.

I’m not trying to be a perfect mother. I know I’m not. I’m not trying to deck my kids out in designer crap. I’m not even trying to take my kids everywhere they want to go and do all the things they want to do. I’m just trying to keep them fed. To keep a roof over their heads. To keep them equipped with what they need to be happy, healthy and safe. To give them the opportunity to be included in school field trips, events and parties. I just want to give my kids the luxury of being kids, and enjoying their childhood and their time with me. That’s all. I would gladly be that woman on that pole if I thought it would make a difference. So if you are that guy who has that sticker on your car, good on you. You go ahead and support that single mom. Empty your pockets for her. Let her do her little dance and let her swallow her pride and do what she has to do to give her kids everything they need and deserve. Good mom’s are hard to find.



POGONOPHILIA….It’s a thing.



I’m what you call a Pogonophile. I like beards. A lot. In fact Id dare to say that it’s reached an almost “fetish” level… and I’m not alone. In fact there are more and more women who are discovering the magic of facial gardens. But before men everywhere decide to start growing realistic facial moss all willy nilly, let me tell you, Beards have rules. No…they really do. And I’m going to share these rules for you. Now, keep in mind, I don’t speak for all women, but I probably speak for a whole lot of us when I say the following, so if you’re going to grow facial hair, then you should take this into consideration.

1)There is a fine line between trimming and becoming king of the douchebags. If you find yourself making little swirls and loops until your beard looks like a tribal tattoo. You’ve gone too far. No woman in her right mind thinks that’s hot. Unless you’re both into Cos Play and you are going for the whole “Seneca Crane” look. Which is wicked hot in a COSPLAY CONTEXT. but she’s not going to want to go to the mall and hang out with you or anywhere else if your face requires that kind of upkeep. Beards are supposed to make you look and feel manly and robust. I think women everywhere agree on this.

2)Beards to avoid: Unless you live on Jersey Shore, avoid pencil line beards. That’s not a beard. Its a an attempt at a beard. Also while on the subject, Those “ring beards”… it looks like your neck is trying to give birth to your face. Avoid that like the black death, it looks beyond stupid NO ONE can pull off that look. Same can be said about Chin straps in my opinion… those things are dumb too.

3)Hygiene: Facial hair is hair. It holds on to dirt, oil, odors… especially if you smoke. You can buy beard wash and conditioners and they smell amazing. In fact I have some at home which I bought simply because it smells amazing. I obviously don’t have  a beard (I’m female), but I gotta tell you, running my finger tips through a beard, and kinda massaging the cheeks and chin.. especially if it feels nice and smells awesome… I’m yours forever…(FYI: It’s called Ogallala Bay Rum Sandlewood Vanilla, and you can buy soaps, shave creams… all kinds of stuff… all available online..It’s sexy as all hell…really.)

4)Now, I’ve been into beards since GI Joe had one. In fact I believe my Ken doll at one point had a beard. But that being said, not every man can sport a full beard. Which brings me to a very important point. While a beard is very, very sexy, it’s not what makes the man. Ultimately it boils down to how  a man carries himself. Who he is. If you can only grow a goatee, then you grow it and own it. If you can only do a moustache, then do that. If you can’t grow facial hair, because some men can’t, it doesn’t make you less attractive. Beards for most of us Pogonophiles is a preference much like blond hair or long legs would be for a man. It doesn’t mean you’ll never find a brunette unattractive.  So if you are going to be one of those clean shaven guys, that’s okay. In the end a woman who is deserving of your attention will love you for what you bring to the table. So don’t stress out about trying to fill out your facial hair and fluffing it or God knows what else. It’s unnecessary, and really when all is said and done, you’ll look better with no facial hair than you would with sporadic facial hair patterns.

5) If you happen to be dating a Pogonophile, or hope to, be ready to be felt up…in the beard. Think about it, if you like big boobs on a girl and you date this woman with a gorgeous rack and she said “yeah go ahead and look, but don’t touch em…ever” Relationship over…right? Yeah. It’s like that for us too.

6)If you look good in a  beard and your woman (or man) likes it that way…please keep it. Women do lots of additional grooming for the sake of their partners, if we ask you to keep the beard cus it gets us off…keep the damn beard. If you shave it off for a  legitimate reason (like you got wood glue in it) then fine.. decent reason. If you shave it off for no reason, well, lets just say something’s up with that. Because why would you deliberately remove something that your partner finds sexy and can get you laid a whole lot unless you DON”T WANT to get laid? If you like long hair on a  woman and just to prove a point she chops it off. Yeah she’s still your woman and you’d probably still do her, but are you slightly less attracted to her because her hair is as short as yours or shorter? yeah…maybe. That’s how you gotta look at it.

I love a nice beard. When it’s clean and kept up. I’m not a big fan of Beard art.. the ones you see at competition. They have a  whole sport around it called Bearding. Those beards are a little over the top for my taste.  Did I miss any beard rules? let me know!


In the meantime, check this out!